Why don't you sit back and relax and have a little laugh at this thing called "My Life"...
It was a Sunday afternoon, a perfect day. The weather was in the mid seventies with no humidity. You know, the kind that you always say "If it was like this year round, I'd LOVE it"...like in So. Cal. We were on our way to church and Princess8 says in a rather panicky yet oddly calm way.."Um, Mommy. There's a snake in the car." Very matter of factly. No tears or real fear. Just surprise. I look behind my seat, as I am in the passenger seat and her dad is driving and say, "Where is there a snake?" with that incredulous voice all you adults know that we use when we don't believe something a child tells us.
She tells me, "It went under the door."
"Yeah right," I think sarcastically to myself but gently say, "Honey, you probably just saw a shadow from the trees or something. There's no way a snake could get in our van. And besides, if it did there's no way it could get under the door. It's shut and sealed. There's just no way."
"But, Mommy, I did see it. I saw a snake."
A little condescendingly but trying to conceal it with patience and kindness, "Honey....sometimes our eyes play tricks on us and we think we see things that may not be there." Here I am thinking of the one time I freaked that I was seeing a tornado (I have this very real fear of them, with nightmares and all) and it was actually a light tower...but that's for another story). This went on for another minute or two and she gave up and I satisfactorily thought to myself, "I won because I am the grownup and I know better." Well, I actually didn't think those words exactly, but you know....it goes without saying, right?
Let's fast forward about four days. It was yet again one of those gorgeous Fridays just in the beginning of the autumn season and my girls were playing happily outside and we were enjoying the refreshing relief of the summer's end. So I decided it was time to break out the vacuum and clean out my sexy minivan. (Yes, minivans are sexy, according to minvansarehot.com so I'm gonna stick with that.) Anyway...as I was saying...I was cleaning it out and had a couple bags ready to donate to the thriftstore which had lazily sat in the car for about two weeks. I pulled them out, and the stroller placing them on the ground to my left. As I turned around....
...PANIC. I could feel my heart begin to race as the blood in my veins began to furiously pump through my system because I was now having a small anxiety attack. My body began to involuntarily tremble and I immediately started to cry and slowly back away like I was in some horror movie where an ax murderer was inching towards me. It was exactly like that. Because there, on the floorboard of my van was none other than the shed skin of a gruesome disgusting SNAKE. I kid you NOT!
Immediately I grabbed my cell phone and dialed my husband while hyperventilating and crying hysterically. He answered and I thought "Thank you, Lord, he's going to come home immediately and eradicate this horror from our lives and I can go inside and wait till it's all over, like the Princess that I am." Um, not exactly. He was all the way downtown with no way to get home any time soon. So OF COURSE I took the next most logical step of action, I called my Daddy...ALL THE WAY IN SUNNY FLORIDA. (Keep in mind, I live near Philly...in PENNSYLVANIA!) Makes total sense, I know. Sometimes a girl just needs her Daddy, even if he can't hop on a plane and come over in ten minutes. :( So very sad. So I was a tad hysterical and crying as I talked to my dad, but he was at least able to calm me down and helped me to compose myself and think about what to do...rationally.
What does one do when a snake is hiding somewhere unseen in their minivan? Why vacuum the entire thing out including removing the seats and inspecting every nook and cranny then opening all the doors up for a few hours so the little bugger can happily slide out without any pressure, of course. I tried my best to keep an eye on the vehicle as I was trying to do that thing called living my life. Since I have three princesses and a husband, I had some duties to perform such as put food in their tummies. I did so, while staring out the window of the kitchen stalking the minivan. I was sure that even though I didn't see the little creature emerge, that it most definitely would have left its captivity freely in that four hour time frame. I was certain.
The next day was Saturday and I really don't remember us doing anything significant that day. However that evening, my husband made a milk run to the grocery store down the street and while he was gone called me on my cell phone. In a hushed whisper, "Don't freak out, but I got in the van and sat down and I see two little eyes staring at me from the dashboard."
Oh. My. God. "Are you serious?"
"Yes." Still in a whisper. "Hang on. I'm going to drive towards the back of the lot and try and get him out." Then I hear quiet. Now I'm just waiting. "Okay, I have the other door open." Then using I don't know what to try and push him out I hear rustling and him talking or yelling at the snake. "Ok, I think I got him. I think I pushed him out of the car door."
"You THINK?! or you KNOW?! This is important!"
"Well, I looked under the van and all around but I don't see him anywhere. I pushed him out and there's nowhere else he could've gone."
"But you didn't actually see him leave?"
"How on earth am I supposed to drive this thing if I don't KNOW if he's gone?"
"I am 99% sure he's gone. It was dark in the parking lot and he had to have slithered in the grass."
Okay, now I'm trying to be calm and believe that this is true and the nightmare is almost over. Little did I know, it was just beginning...
The next morning is Sunday, now one week later from the first sighting. We THINK it's gone because of course dear husband pushed it out the night before. So we made our way to church and tried to forget the whole ordeal.
However the next morning, Monday which is my day off, me and my three princesses went to load up in the minivan to take Princess8 to school and there on the dashboard was a little tiny snake. Staring at me. OH. MY. GOD!!! Frantically, I called my husband...again as we hurried down the sidewalk towards my daughter's school so she wouldn't be late. "The SNAKE is SITTING on the DASHBOARD! What the HECK!" Oh the anxiety of the situation. This was a nightmare. After I dropped of Princess8 and got back home, I put on my live-in babysitter..Nick Jr. and headed back out to the van. There he still sat, basking in the sun. Little brat! I can't remember what I did exactly. I think I tried to push him out with the end of my broom but that little pain in the *** found the tiniest hole in the dash and crawled INSIDE IT! So, let the games begin.
Here's what my facebook status said:
Sept 26, 2011 So, anyone near Abington know how to get a snake out of a van dashboard? He was on the dashboard this morning and I tried to push him out but he squeezed btwn the windshield and dashboard and is inside it now...HELP!
So of course, now, as I wait for my husband to come home with the guy who knows a lot about snakes, I BLAST obnoxious music (no it wasn't country so shut up) for like a half an hour as I am pacing around the van like a mountain lion stalking its prey. Finally, Hubby and friend arrive and they proceed to take apart the dashboard. Surprisingly, it's not as difficult as I thought.
No luck. You can't remove a snake that you can't see and this little fellow obviously knows every nook and cranny of our van. Drat. So he leaves as animal control arrives. Not only does animal control come but so does a cop and he, let me tell you, was just there for kicks. He was pretty excited. Must've been the highlight of his day or week, I guess. So now, animal control proceeds to do a thorough investigation of the minivan. NO LUCK! He tells me, if I see him again to just call 911 and have them patch me through.
So there I am. Alone with the stupid snake. Again! Because Dear Hubby went back to work or to Home Depot or who knows where. It was a year ago, I can't remember EVERY detail. Well, I kept peeking in the windows, waiting for it. Then, I see underneath the front passenger seat a little head poking it's head out.
"This is 911. What is your emergency?"
"I have a snake in my car and animal control told me to call you to get them to come back out."
Round 2. He stayed right there under the seat until animal control came. Good boy! They even saw him! But he was up under the stupid seat and somehow evaded them. So again animal control leaves! Ugh!
I sit here for another half an hour. These two door open only because I have to SEE him leave. Nothing. An eternity seems to have passed me by. So, I creep up and look under the seat again. Nothing. I mean, I search hard. I happen to glance over to my left and in the very back corner of the van underneath the rear seat leg his slimy little stupid head is peaking out! You son of a *****. (Sorry, there are a lot of asterisks here, and while I am a Christian, I am NOT perfect...and I have NEVER been under stress/fear like this ever. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy)
Well, I didn't want to call animal control yet. So by now my dear father in law had arrived to check on me and said to put down a worm to entice him out. You can see, he really was *loving* that worm. Or not. I proceeded to shut the other two doors which I had opened before and now only my trunk was open. Now, I was camped out with a grilling fork and some long pincher thing my father in law loaned me. He was there awhile, but ended up leaving.
Well, I was sitting outside, staring and waiting. Waiting and staring. Nothing. He was just so satisfied, isn't that sweet? Then, the nice animal control guy drove by to check on me, thank goodness and I showed him where the snake was. With his help we removed my back seat and the snake stayed put. Yay! Then, using a screw driver he removed the plastic cover over the bracket. As soon as it was off the snake got the bright idea it was time to MOVE. But the animal control guy didn't have on his glove and with an unidentified snake he didn't want to grab it without it. Now we are frantically moving and trying to stop it as it heads to the sliding door on the left of the van. I quickly run and open it, not before it CRAWLS UNDERNEATH IT...just like Princess8 SAID!! Are you kidding me??? I open the door and see it going through the tiniest hole in the door bay now UNDER and INSIDE the van! What the heck is that compartment for??? Who designed this thing anyway???
By this point, we had an appointment to get our van worked on at an auto shop for something else so my hubby drove it over after making sure to let the mechanic know the situation. Of course, they weren't scared. Oh to be a guy... :/ The next morning, now Tuesday, my dear father in law drove me to work since the van from hell was in the shop. We, or I should say my husband picked the van up that afternoon and we saw no sign of the tiny monster. Let me tell you, when you go through this kind of thing you get all kinds of advice. Between people you know and internet research plus Facebook we tried EVERYTHING! That night, we left the doors open again. Nothing.
Luckily, my awesome boss/friend picked me and my brood up the next morning because there was no way in h*** I was going to get inside that vehicle...especially with my kids. And wouldn't you know it, but the snake was right there, basking in the warmth of the morning sun on the dash...again. We are now into Thursday. ELEVEN days since the first sighting...and that's not even how long he's been IN the van.
By this time I had figured it all out. I couldn't for the life of me understand how in the world a snake could end up inside my van. But then it hit me. My husband is a scrapper. I know, not the most lucrative of side jobs, but in this economy we will take any help we can. So he picks up appliances, metal studs, cabinets, pretty much anything that is metal. Well, being the sweet, amazing, thoughtful wife that I am..*pats self on back*...I saw a lovely window air conditioner on the side of the road, AND another one by my church dumpster. So, me and my awesome self decided to put both of these items (which had been outside who knows how long) IN my minivan. Ain't I sweet..trying to help out the hubby?? NEVER AGAIN!!!! I am certain it was inside one of those confounded contraptions! Curse you you air conditioners! LOL...Sorry, I am a little melodramatic.
So by this time, being Wednesday, approximately two to two and a half weeks since said appliances entered my vehicle..we were at extremes. We were told that they like heat. So being a cooler night, my mother in law even gave us a heating pad to plug in which we left in the van for a few hours. Also, we read somewhere that snakes HATE the smell of mothballs so dear hubby put an entire box of mothballs all over the floor of our car. So of course I HAD to SEE the thing leave the car or I was not going to be satisfied. Camped out with my miniature pitchfork and a flashlight with one door cracked and in the dark I waited. And waited. Mothballs and heating pad be damned! I waited for 3 freaking hours in the cold and drizzling rain in the dark with a hoodie and my flashlight and the stupid thing STILL did not come out!!
Now I'm am ticked. Stomping around saying things under my breath that I shouldn't be saying. Being quite dramatic because now I am at a loss. What the heck am I supposed to do?? I can't live like this! I called authorities. They couldn't help. We tried everything imaginable. They didn't help. I couldn't in clean conscience sell the car to a dealer. That's just not right. How are we going to get out of this?!
Well, the next morning which was Thursday, bright and early I got up. This was all consuming. I got something to drink and just stared out the back window at my not so sexy minivan. I thought I saw something on the dash and slowly went outside. Sure enough, there he was...sunbathing. You son of a *****. I stabbed at him with the pitchfork and he squirmed into the dash, again! Now I am really pissed. I crazily rip out the dash (somewhat carefully, remember I said it didn't look too difficult) while swearing at the snake in hiding and put the now removed dash on the ground then stomp back inside. I want to see every place he can hide.
About 15 minutes later when I have some caffeine and calm down I head back outside with my pitch fork. Keep in mind I am not ready for work. My hair is a mess, I have my pajamas on and no bra. LOL..not a lovely picture. THERE HE IS! Okay, now he's just getting bold! This time I try a new tactic. I slowly open the door. Slowly enter the vehicle. Slowly (oh I am wearing gloves too, forgot that part) reach toward him with the pitch fork (aka grill fork) and he just stares at me. Not even a flinch. Then, I PRESS DOWN AS HARD AS I CAN to pin him down. Now it's on! He's hissing and trying to bite the fork! Over and over! He slithers his body up and down wriggling away from being pinned. He moves closer to the passenger side towards the hole he loves to crawl into. NOT THIS TIME BUDDY! Meanwhile, I am SCREAMING at the top of my lungs. "YOU ARE NOT STAYING IN HERE ANYMORE! YOU ARE GETTING THE F*** OUT OF THE F*IN CAR!" RANDOM SCREAMS OF FEAR "OH MY GOD OH MY GOD" It's an all out fight to the finish! He is almost to his destination but I am OVER it and not going to be outdone this time. With all the fear being pushed aside by the ANGER of a Mama Bear I open the passenger side door, reach over and grab its tail and FLING IT OUT OF THE VAN! But that's not good enough. Nooo...I run over with my pitch fork and fling it twenty feet in the air while swearing at it to get out of my yard. I do this about five more times before it disappears in my grass. Mind you it is 7:15 am and not a soul on my block opened a door while this crazy lady is screaming and crying hysterically and swearing with messy hair and in her pajamas. Oh how I wish I had this on video. I quickly shut the van doors and call my hubby and tell him the news. It's over. I am shaking and an emotional wreck, but it's over. Praise the Lord, Hallelujah it OVER!!! Immediately I post:
Hallelujah I got him!!!! He was on the dash his morning n got away so I took off the top of he dash. I came out 20min later n he was there..I stabbed him w a long fork and ended up grabbing his tail n flinging him out of the car...meanwhile screaming n crying the entire time....tried to fling him in the street but he disappeared in the grass so I hope he doesn't figure out how to get in our basement...
Here are my replies:
Well, now I have to deal with the smell of moth balls. It's better than a snake. It took a couple months to get rid of that smell. We had a bottle of Febreze in the car and I sprayed it every day. All it did was make it smell like Febreze and mothballs. But who cares. It's gone. To this day, if I smell mothballs...I think of that stupid snake and my crazy fight to the finish. The nightmare is over and now, a year later, I can laugh at it. I still wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.
Oh, and I learned to trust my daughter. She was never a story teller before, so I should've trusted her then. You better believe I will try harder to listen and believe her when she tells me something outrageous like there's a snake in my car.